Puzzle of Life

Warning: for those who know my other address, this is a double post.

It's so tiring trying to live up to everyone's expectations, everyone's wants and needs. It's 100 times more times more tiring trying to live up to your girlfriend's wants and needs. I cried today because I realized once again that 75% of who I am, is not who she wants me to be. I'm not athletic enough, I'm not competetive enough, I don't love the ocean enough, I don't want a dog, I don't want sex as often, I can't go to parties with her, I'm not a superfan of showering together, I don't understand her sensitivities to everything, I want a monagamous relationship not an open one, I want to depend on each other but keep our own independence, I want to spend time apart soemtimes and no that doesn't mean I'm mad, or unhappy, or that I do not love her. I want her to go to parties and have fun and not have to worry about her getting drunk and cheating on me, and I don't, but she does, and that worries me, if that makes any sense at all.

I told her today that I hate not being what she wants. I cried and she said that we've had the conversation before and turned a cold shoulder on me, just like she has the last 5 times I've cried in front of her. I'm currently pmsing and more emotional but still this is a serious issue! She went into a total funk the night before about the partying thing. Told me how frustrating it is to not be able to go to parties, and that when I was in College I got to party. I told her I've never kept her from them, I encourage them. But she replies that she wants someone who will go with her. But I can't go! I would get fired in a heartbeat. She knows that. It's not that I don't want to go. It's not fun for me that I can't hang out with my friends. It's not fun to have this affect our relationship when it's not a choice I am making. It hurts me too.

We live together now, and we can't just back out of the relationship at whim. We can't afford to go anywhere else. I don't know that either of us want to. She wants to experience more. She always has. I don't know how to let her, and still be happy.

Work is driving me crazy. I'm busy as hell, and I am constantly forgetting really important stuff. I've already worked 30 hours overtime since the school year started and next weekend I have to go on a weekend trip with them. That's what? 72 hours? God help me.